I had a little sparkly idea recently that my husband and I are planning to try, and I wanted to share it here in case it feels supportive or helpful for someone else too.
This is not therapy advice. I’m definitely not a therapist. Just a person in a relationship with ADHD in the mix who is always looking for ways to make connection feel a little more intentional and a little less overwhelming.
The idea is simple:
A yearly (or maybe even quarterly) “State of the Union” conversation for your relationship.
- Not because things are wrong.
- Not as a way to “keep score”.
- Just as a way to pause long enough to notice what’s working, what feels hard, and what might help both people feel more connected moving forward.
One thing I’ve noticed about ADHD brains is that we can be so focused on what’s currently stressful, urgent, forgotten, or unfinished that we accidentally lose track of progress. Sometimes we’re growing, improving, reconnecting, or trying really hard… and nobody pauses long enough to notice it.
That’s where this idea came from.
Instead of only having serious relationship conversations during conflict or burnout, what if there was a softer, more intentional touchpoint built in?
Something that feels collaborative instead of corrective.
What It Could Look Like
Nothing fancy.
Maybe:
- Sitting in comfy chairs
- Going for a walk outside
- Grabbing coffee or lunch somewhere you both like
- Keeping it short and low pressure
I also think timing matters A LOT for ADHD nervous systems.
So ideally:
- Nobody is starving
- Nobody is exhausted
- Nobody is rushing out the door
- Both people actually agree to the time and the topic
Example:
“Saturday at 11am for 15 minutes.”
Ahhh… the structure alone feels calming to me.
Open-Ended Questions vs. Rating Scales
Another thing I’ve learned about my ADHD brain is that broad emotional questions can sometimes make my brain completely blank.
So instead of asking:
“What helped us feel connected this year?” (insert blank face here!)
Maybe try:
“On a scale of 1–5, how supported have you felt by me lately?”
Or:
“How much like a team have we felt recently?”
For me, numbers sometimes create an easier starting point for the conversation.
Less pressure.
More clarity.
Fewer “Ummmm… I don’t know” moments.
And, as a bonus- an opportunity to explore a follow-up question such as, “What would it look like if it were to go from a 3 to a 4?”
The Point Isn’t Perfection
I think the biggest thing for me is this:
The goal is not to grade the relationship.
The goal is simply to create a moment to pause and notice the current “state of the union” together.
- To acknowledge effort.
- To celebrate growth.
- To notice patterns.
- To reconnect on purpose instead of waiting until things feel disconnected.
And honestly? Even reading this back, it feels less like a “relationship strategy” and more like a gentle reminder that relationships deserve intentional attention too.
